"Just last night I was reminded of

just how bad it had gotten and

just how sick I had become...

De-derange 

we've all been through some shit..."

I'm on this strange Violent Femmes kick for some reason.  And the Pixies.  Digging on some Pixies, but I don't have a lot of their music, nor the VF's for that matter.  Ah well.

My friend, Steve, said today, as I was talking with one of his co-workers about the trouble with being a single mom and trying to find a job where I don't have to find daycare(be home in time for Henry to get home from school), because it would defeat the purpose of having a job because I would be essentially paying for the daycare, unless, of course, I found a high paying job, which I don't think my Bachelor of Science in Art is going to get me, Steve said, 'After seeing what my daughter had to go through in childbirth, I realize that you ladies don't know how bad you've got it'.  Wow, huh?  I don't know if I ever heard a man say that.  I never really thought we had it 'bad', but I always felt under-appreciated for all the shit we have to go through...as women.

Now, where was I going with this thought?  I had something, but now...I don't want this to be a rant of oh poor us women or anything because that ain't it.  I think I will move on from this because I can't remember exactly what I wanted to say.

Lately, I've heard a lot of people talking about how they never have or never will get to do the things that they want to do in life.  I hate that for them.  Because they've given up, right?  I mean, I want to give up all the time, every week, every day.  But I can't.  I don't want to look back and think 'I could've been a contender'.  No, we need to figure out how it is we are going to do the things that we want to do to make our lives a little better.  Can I get an Amen from any of you?  I just don't want to do that, be that person who says, 'yeah, I was going to do this, but this happened, so now I'm stuck doing this.'  Maybe it's the age group I am hanging out with.  Late twenties, early thirties.  Think that's it?  Maybe because now I am so much closer to death than they are, I feel the need to get things going.  I know that a few years ago, when Henry was still little and Jason was so needy I made allowances for myself and I was scared that I wouldn't do the things that I wanted, but there was always hope.  I'm still scared, terrified, really, but I can't stop.  I don't know how anyone can.

"Third verse, same as the First"

Love to all and all to Love,

Beth